It Makes Sense In My World.

John,
I hope you were looking down tonight. I hope you realized that we all have been trying to make due as best we could without you. Even though we can enjoy each other’s company still and have been able to adopt new members into our broken little family, there will always be an empty pause for you. Pictures of your enormous smile and laughter over your grandiose storytelling. You were the person who lit up any room you walked into and you didn’t just know how to break the ice with new people- you shattered through it with the grace of a drunken rhino. And when you left, I swear I saw all the light in the world dim just a bit. And it’s never been as bright since then. Even though this year when loved ones departed it was smiles instead of tears, don’t mistake that for us forgetting. We miss you. I miss you. I will always be your drunken, fighty wifey. And the next time I see you will be just like the first, because I know I will see you again one day. I’m going to beat you upside the head senseless until you apologize, and then we can hug and drink and laugh for all eternity. I’ll never know why, and I’ll never know how to explain the way you left to people. All I ask now is for a little more strength to care for your friends you left here. Because I don’t know how to make it better, John. And some of them still need you. xoxo

“Can you make it back,
From the aftermath of how I left you?,
Nobody wants to be alone,
With the fear of letting go,
If you could hear me say it’s gonna be okay,
Would you be okay?,
And though I’ve gone away,
I still see what you’re going through,
It kills me every day,
To know I killed what meant most to you.”
-Boyce Avenue

Until we meet again, John. I know you’re still here in some ways. I just wish it was the way that mattered most. ❤

My boys are breaking down in front of me again.
And I still don’t know how to put the pieces back together for them.

Dammit, John.

Roommate: Kelli, I think you are the last new friend I ever plan to make.

My boys. <3
The 26th is coming up too soon.
I can’t believe it’s been two years.

Johnny, I hardly knew ya. <3
But you left me my family.

Things are never going to go back to the way they were.
And the more you try to make it seem like they will,
The more I remember why I was unhappy in the first place and left.


I can’t tell if I’m just being a super cold bitch by not answering,
but I’m not one to fake it.

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Have you ever seen a machine break?

The perfectly spaced mechanical gears

Spinning along at the same rate as always.

When a small, otherwise insignificant foreign body is introduced,

And suddenly the gears become confused.

The only logical course of action is to push forward

At the same rate as always and hope the intruder will flee.

But instead the gears become stuck.

The tension builds and tries to expel them forward,

Like that feeling when everything hits a brick wall

Because you couldn’t stop long enough to slow down and look for a turn.

So instead the gears eventually snap under the pressure.

They become mangled and fly off their track.

The metal becomes stripped and ruined,

And there is no way to fix them.

They will never operate the same way again.

And pushing forward doesn’t become an option anymore.

I exist almost solely within four beige walls.

My things are strewn about to remind me that this is my residence.

I have pictures on the wall of people I haven’t talked to in months or years.

I still have pictures hanging up of my sister,

Even though I’ve cut her out this year like a splinter.

Books and receipts and other small items occupy the space.

And my bed.

Where I could potentially lay for days
knowing that whether or not I get up today will be of no
significance to anyone else in the world.

I’m still alive.
I’m just “sleeping.”
Except I rarely sleep.

I have gone through an entire day today,
even ventured outside with the mission to operate as part of society.

The only thing I spoke to a single other human being today
was my coffee order and a “thank you” when she handed it to me.

I’m not even aware of my own steps anymore.
I think a dark grey hazy cloud just carries me from location to location.

Any cognitive thought or effort I put into my existence

Resides either in a .docx or e-mail.

“In your spare time could you also,”
“Do you mind typing up and sending this,”
“E-mail me your edits,”
“If you can just type this up.”

My hands feel empty without a keyboard now.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to use them for affection or companionship.

I exist not just within the walls of my room but within the walls of my own occupied space which nobody impedes on.

I am a gear.

I am a tough metallic surface with even spacing in my mind
to propel my energy forward towards this larger machine,
which yields a final product that I can never see.

What happens if a pebble gets stuck within my work?

What if I want that to happen?

Been so long since I seen your face
or felt a part of this human race
I’ve been living out of this here suitcase for way too long