It Makes Sense In My World.

It has been a very tough week for me emotionally. 

I had a rather unpleasant phone conversation with my parents Sunday about my sister.
I guess she and her on-and-off-again-and-again ex broke up again.
He said that my sister has been sinking into a pretty bad depression over the situation and has really lost a lot of her self-esteem.

I’m just not sure how to help her.
And it’s hard as the little sister who was always picked on and compared to my big sister for me to think about the fact that she is the one now who needs my help.

My entire family is falling apart it feels like.
And I just don’t know how to be strong enough for all of us when I wake up every day feeling miserable like I can’t catch a break.

But they never ask me how I’m feeling, if I’m stressed, etc. I know it’s partially my fault that if I don’t tell them something is wrong that they won’t know, but it goes beyond that. Sometimes when they talk to me they act like because I don’t show them when I’m hurting that I don’t have struggles in my life.

My dad said to me on the phone, “You need to call your sister or go see her. You’re closest to her, and she’s your sister. If something were to happen to her, God forbid, you know you’re going to blame yourself. You’re going to feel guilty for not being there.”

I couldn’t believe he said that to me. After spending months dealing with when John died and knowing how it felt to run through every last conversation in your head wondering over and over if you were there enough, if you could’ve changed things, if something had gone differently…

And then to imagine going through that again with someone who literally is my own blood?

It makes me sick to my stomach to think about those words.

All the while this week I’ve been stressed because I was scheduled to work every day, am behind on my classes and need to start work on major projects, am answerable to groups I have to work with, have been rushing here and there to meetings with extra curricular clubs, have a workshop that will take up my whole weekend, etc.
And I can tell people are starting to consider me unreliable or flaky, and they’re getting frustrated with me.

How do I tell them that I just need a fucking break?
I can’t even go a day ignoring my goddamn e-mail without it blowing up in my face from some teacher or advisor or club members. Give me a fucking weekend, Jesus fucking Christ. Your stupid trivial academic bullshit will still be there in two days. However, my sister might snap and possibly hurt herself any day now. So excuse me if your stupid e-mail is low on my list of priorities compared to trying to hold my family together, preparing to say goodbye to my oldest friend before he leaves for fucking Afghanistan in two weeks, trying to be there for many of my other close friends who are hurting and dealing with now not just one but TWO unpleasant failed relationships in the past year. 

And when customers at work are extremely rude to me and talk to me like I’m less than human and beneath them? Hey, here’s a fucking thought the next time you’re in a restaurant and you think you have some tiny little fucking problem to bitch about- you don’t fucking know me. Okay so the table you wanted has someone else sitting there because you didn’t read the “please see host to be seated” sign or you can’t get a reservation the day of the busiest holiday of the year for a lot of restaurants, Boo Fucking Hoo. You think you’re entitled to snap at me, cuss me out, demand to speak to my manager and treat me like your little servant? 
One day, asshole, I’m going to snap back. And either myself or another person you may encounter will just tell you to your fucking face that you are an asshole, a dick, a douchebag, rude for no reason, fucking unpleasant to be around and- as a customer- sometimes you are, in fact, WRONG.  

But I can’t tell people all of that. 

So instead I usually just let it consume my mind while floating through the same repetitive days, wondering what the fuck I am doing here.

I’m sorry if it seems like I am just moaning or bitching for attention.
The truth is I don’t expect anyone to really actually read this.
I just needed to formulate the words outside my own mind so that maybe they’d stop haunting space there.

Tonight was the second time I’ve had someone I consider one of my best friends tell me that it isn’t right for me to bear other peoples’ problems entirely on my shoulders. 

I just wish I knew how to tell people that I can’t be strong for all of them when I can barely be strong enough for myself.